Emotional Responses to Infertility
The experience of infertility can push you to the edge of a crisis, both emotionally and physically. This pressure is compounded by the fact that the social stigma surrounding infertility means that few people feel able to discuss their experiences openly.
What sorts of emotions are you likely to experience when you discover that you have a fertility problem? One of the emotions that may confront you is a strong sense of surprise. Infertility may have been something you never even thought about. Because of this it may take you quite a while to fully realise its implications. One way you may attempt to deal with this crisis is to convince yourself that for you it is not a big problem.
Also, you may find yourself feeling angry and depressed. These emotions may be directed inwards upon yourself, or they may be directed at your partner, or the doctors, nurses, scientists, counsellors, family or friends.
At the root of these feelings could be the idea that you are less than a whole human being, and that you have in some way failed—that you have let yourself, your partner or your family down. For women and men who expected motherhood and fatherhood to play a central role in their lives, this experience can be especially devastating. Sometimes it can seem as though nothing else matters. It is essential here to remember that there are other parts of your life that are important to hold onto, such as your work, your hobbies and your own special interests and abilities.
Feeling that you are not living up to the expectations of your partner, feeling that you are letting him or her down, can place great stress upon your relationship. Infertility is still a subject that your family and friends are likely to feel uncomfortable with, so you may have very few people with whom you can discuss your feelings. This problem can make you feel even more isolated and make the whole experience more difficult to deal with.
When you discover that you have fertility problems, often the main focus of your relationship as a couple can become the desire to conceive a child.
One of the most important and complex aspects of the experience of infertility is the sense of sadness and loss it creates. What you are mourning is the absence of experience. This type of sadness can be especially hard to deal with.
Losses may include:
- a loss of your sense of being “normal”, i.e. being able to have children “just like everyone else”
- the loss of the experience of conception and childbirth
- a loss of feeling of genetic continuity: you can’t “extend a branch of the family tree”
- a destruction of dreams and plans that may have been central to your relationship with your partner
- the loss of the ability to give your parents a grandchild
- that you are of less value as a partner in your relationship
- the loss of feelings of sexual potency
It is important to stress here that not everyone experiences all these losses, and your experience of them may differ greatly from the experiences of others. Some of the losses associated with infertility are even more difficult to define. Waiting for treatment and the continual hope that ‘this will be the time’ can leave your emotions painfully suspended, creating a continual ‘hoping against hope’ attitude. The nature of infertility is such that you may never know definitely whether you are able to conceive or what is causing the problem. Your grief therefore has nothing to focus on and this frustration can place great strain upon your relationship. The emotional responses to the crisis of infertility are not however only the result of social pressures; they may also flow from your own life experience. This will vary depending upon your past and present relationships, your individual personality and many other factors such as your expectations of adult life, your cultural background and religious faith. Some of the wide range of emotions you may experience with the discovery that you have fertility problems are expressed very clearly in comments like these: “My husband and I have been trying to have a child for five years now, and feel very isolated in our despair and heartache.” “It’s hard to explain the wanting inside myself; wanting to have another child so desperately.” “There was no-one else to talk to who understood the anger, frustration, disappointment and fears.” “It’s pretty frightening just bursting into tears when there are lots of kids around.” “We kid ourselves with contraception that we have control over our bodies. The hardest thing is to lose that control. You feel as if your body has caught you out.” As one woman described it: “My fertile days were nearing and along with them the function of sex, rather than the notion of making love.” Because of this obsession, the pleasurable aspects of sex in your relationship can be lost. Intercourse can begin to seem pointless and you may feel useless and inadequate as a sexual partner. The stresses created by this perceived loss of purpose in your relationship are often shown as resentment and disappointment and overcoming them may require a lot of effort from both you and your partner. You will need to acknowledge that although you make up a couple, you are also individuals with separate feelings that need to be considered however different they may be. Emotional responses vary but you will probably find it helpful to use the same strategies now that they have used to deal with other problems in their lives. The help gained can come from outside yourself: by reaching out to friends whom you know you can talk to and trust, by talking to professionals, or by reading books. But perhaps the most useful help you can get is the help that comes from within yourself. Try to maintain your sense of humour and remember that you are a worthwhile person. Value and care for yourself, whatever happens – whether you are able to have a baby or not. Infertility therefore is an experience that continually fluctuates in intensity and directions, so that at different times you may have different needs and experience different emotions. There are no set ‘stages’ in this experience, and while at one time your emotions can be mystifying and frighteningly intense, at another you may simply feel numb. There may be moments when being infertile dictates every facet of your life, whilst at other times you may act to change the direction of your life. The way you learn to deal with the experience of infertility will also be different at different times. One day a particular strategy may help you a lot, but later on you may find it useless. At times you may find the pain you experience very destructive, but at others you may find it a useful motivating force in your life.
It is important to acknowledge that emotional responses to infertility vary greatly, as do people’s methods of coping with them. Each person has to find their own way of coping with their situation, and sometimes might need help to do this. Patients are advised to consult with a doctor, fertility centre nurses or counsellors as required. It is important to remember that counselling can be an important part of the treatment of infertility.
ADAPTED WITH THANKS TO THE INFERTILITY FEDERATION OF AUSTRALASIA INC.